


13 Beaches

by Fidix



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Slow Burn, Wait for it, and then they wont be able to keep their hands to themselves, falling from grace, give them a sec, sam is going to third wheel so hard but like in a positive way lol, these two doffuses are in love but they dont know it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-28 19:41:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12613980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fidix/pseuds/Fidix
Summary: Castiel thinks he knows what family is until he finds his real family with Dean and Sam. Cas knows Heaven will somehow find a way hurt the boys through him, and he's not going to play their game anymore. So he takes a dive off a Heavenly Cliff and falls from Grace. Dean finds him after, and to Cas's surprise, he and Sam are less than thrilled at his new found humanity.





	13 Beaches

“I’m not calling you a liar, Cas. Just don’t lie to  _ me _ , dammit.” Dean had since stopped shaking Cas, but he had to focus to  uncurl his tight fists and release the collar of Cas’s coat. He was too pissed, he didn’t even want to breathe the same air. He needed room to breathe, or he was going to start with the shaking all over again, or worse start throwing punches. 

 

Dean’s voice was rough, gravely. He’d been yelling for too long. At Sam, at Cas, at any damn  _ who  _ or  _ what _ that got too close today. He was pissed, and he had every right to be. Things, as usual, were going to Hell. Everything was falling apart, but unlike the other numerous crises he’d faced all his life, this one truly seemed to have no out. This shitty situation was irreparable, as far as he could tell. This time there were no loopholes, no deals that could be made, no magic or demonic or holy intervention that was going to get them out of this.  

 

“I’m not lying Dean,” Cas ground out, voice just as coarse. He’d been shouting too. “You just won’t listen! You’re only hearing what you want to. You won’t even listen to why I did it.” 

 

“I don’t  _ care  _ why you did it, Castiel, dammit. It was stupid, it was dangerous, you could have died. What if me and Sam hadn’t found you? It could have been anyone, Cas, anything. And you don’t even seem like you give a fuck. What the hell Cas? You want to die? Cause trust me, I’ve been dead more than a handful of times, and let me tell you, it ain’t no slice of pie.”

 

Cas narrowed his eyes and bared his teeth at Dean. How could he think that? That Castiel would rather be dead? Please. He’d been to purgatory once. Bunch of bullshit that was. Left to fight monsters for all eternity? It wasn’t Cas’s idea of a good time. Necessary at the time, however, after all the damage he’d caused. Those decisions would always haunt Castiel, but now he was different and had worked hard to become that way. To become… well, better. He’d been sticking close to the Winchesters, watching them and learning the things they know. Not just about hunting, but about life,  the choices you make and the consequences you face. What doing the right thing really means. 

 

He’d grown close to Sam, who taught him all the things Dean couldn’t. The brothers were so different sometimes, something that fascinated Cas. Sam could sit and read for hours, not saying a word just completely engrossed in a book. He was excellent at research and possessed a deep well of knowledge just because it was a skill he enjoyed honing. Knowledge was important to Sam. 

 

Even if they weren’t working a case, Sam would just sit and read, and it would drive Dean crazy. He didn’t understand. TV was one thing. Dean could watch a marathon of Dr. Sexy M.D. any day. But he could only watch so much before he started getting antsy. Most of the time he’d wander around the bunker doing whatever he could to keep busy. He was much louder than Sam, at least in the activities he enjoyed to stay busy. Sometimes Castiel would hear the garage open and the roar of Dorothy’s motorcycle tearing out onto the open road, or the sound of round after round being fired because Dean was working on his target practice. 

 

Together, they teach Castiel everything they know. They balance each other out, and they’ve made Castiel who he is today. Being around them changes everything in Cas’s world. Everything he thought he knew, thought he understood, all the decisions he made because he thought he was doing the right thing. All the times he’s betrayed them, betrayed Dean. They try not to remember that, and they never talk about it. Especially the time with him and Dean and the angel tablet. He knows how lucky he is to still have them. To still have Dean, steady by his side, calling him family. 

 

If there’s one things he’s learned, when Dean Winchester asks him not to do something, asks him to stay put… well, he better damn well listen up. 

 

And Dead thinks he wants to just throw all that away? Throw away everything they’ve given him? His anger spikes and he opens his mouth to start yelling again. And then snaps it shut so abruptly he hears his teeth clack and a brief lance of pain go through his jaw, because the look on Dean’s face is anger, but the emotion in his eyes is anything but. Castiel takes a step forward trying to get a better look, but Dean just takes a step back. It doesn’t matter. Cas could read him from across the room. He has no trouble translating the emotions he sees in Dean’s eyes; hurt and fear. 

 

Castiel feels the anger wash away, and he starts to feel  a little guilty. Of course Dean wouldn’t understand. The most common  thing in Dean’s life is loss. He’s known it with his parents, with Bobby, with anyone he’s ever loved. Why should Cas be any different?

 

“I’m sorry, Dean,” Cas says. His voice is calm now, and quiet. 

 

It’s silent for a moment and Dean just stares him down like he’s trying to figure him out. And then his shoulders sag and he breathes out a sigh and shakes his head. He walks to a small table and pours himself a drink like he’s taking a minute to figure out what he wants to say. 

 

“You’re sorry for trying to kill yourself? What the hell man, if you’re just going to be sorry about it why’d you try it in the first place? Why didn’t you just talk to me? Or Sam? We would have helped you, man, we just didn’t know. We didn’t know things were so bad. We thought you were happy here, Cas.” Dean’s voice is full of pain now, and Cas wants to step towards him, but every time he does Dean takes a counter step back. 

 

“Dean, I didn’t try to kill myself, I -”.

 

“Oh, what, just wanted to see what it felt like to fall out of the sky? Cause it just looked like such a great time? Yeah whatever, Cas.” Dean’s yelling again. 

 

But Cas has had enough. He’s not going to get yelled at anymore today over something Dean doesn’t even understand. So he stalks forward quickly and grabs Dean before he can get away in the same hold he had on Cas earlier, hands fisted in the collar of his shirt. Their noses are almost pressed together, he wants Dean to hear him.  

 

“I didn’t try to kill myself, and you would know that if you would just shut up and  _ listen.  _ I’m sorry, but this was the only way. I had to do this, Dean. I promised that this time we would really be family. That I wouldn’t leave again. I meant that. I fell, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted give up my grace. To live life here, as a human. Without my grace burning a hole in my gut, I can do that. It just so happens that the only way to give it up is to fall straight out of heaven,” Cas said 

 

Dean’s eyes are wide and he doesn’t blink, even as Cas stares at him for a long while and waits for him to say something. He’s confused; why doesn’t Dean look any happier knowing that Cas wasn’t trying to off himself?

  
  


He’s shocked when tears well in Dean’s eyes. They don’t shed, but they’re there, and Cas doesn’t  _ understand. _ Why is Dean so upset?

 

When he finally speaks, his voice is so soft Cas can barely hear him. “You gave up your Grace?”, he says, and his voice is thick and watery and Cas barely recognises it after being yelled at for a good portion of the day. 

 

When Cas nods yes, Dean’s eyes shut for a moment like he’s in pain. His hands come up and gently pull Cas’s fists off his collar and push him back, holding his wrists. He doesn’t let go; he seems to have forgotten he was even holding them in the first place. 

 

“Why?” Dean asks. 

 

Cas’s brow furrows. Isn’t that obvious? 

 

“For you, of course.”

 

“For me,” Dean repeats, but it’s not a question. 

 

Cas answers it anyway. “For you, Dean. I realized some time ago that Heaven, the place I called home all my life, was no longer my home. And that my brothers and sisters were not truly my family. Just similar beings to myself designed to obey, not to love. I’ve watched you and Sam for many years be family. Eventually, I became part of your family. You gave me a home, a true home, and devotion that even Heaven can not understand. You would never leave, as God has left his creations. You would never turn on me as my siblings have. You have saved me countless times from our enemies, you’ve even saved me from myself. I can’t be two things at once, Dean. As an angel, I will always hear Heaven’s call. But it’s not Heaven I want to hear Dean, it’s you. Falling was easy, Dean. The reward was greater than the risk.”

 

Dean dropped his wrists some time ago, and now he’s just staring at Cas again. His glass is almost empty. He needs another drink. This is too much. His mind won’t shut up and process, it’s moving a million miles an hour. Cas fell from Heaven. For him. He guesses some people would find that touching. But Dean’s head feels like a train is smashing through it and he just fucking  _ hurts. _ His head, his heart, his spirit...everything just feels like it’s being crushed. 

 

He walks over and fills his cup with the strongest alcohol he can find in the small assortment on the table, turning his back on Castiel , just trying to give himself a minute to think without being stared down by those blue eyes. 

 

Dean drinks quietly while he sorts through the muddy emotions inside him. He’s never been any good at this mushy crap. He’d rather take his emotions out on whatever monster he’s hunting. But he doesn’t think this is one he can just tuck away for the next time he gets to kill something. 

So he swallows the remaining liquor in the glass and sets it down with a loud  _ clank _ of glass cup against glass table. 

 

He turns to face Cas, the liquor in his system numbing the headache just a little. Enough that he sort of knows what he wants to say to explain exactly why this should have  _ never fucking happened.  _

 

He’s pretty tipsy, he realizes. He’s been drinking pretty much since he found Cas the day before. Not heavily, just consistently. Dean wants to just punch him, ignore all the talk and just physically fight it out. He almost does. But he doesn’t punch him, instead he just tangles a hand in Castiel’s hair and pulls his head back just a little so they’re looking eye to eye. He’s not hurting him, he just needs to make sure Cas is really listening. He’s not going to say this again. 

 

“You are family. Angel or not. You just said it yourself, we’re your family, not Heaven, and you fucking knew that before you went and jumped off some damn Heavenly cliff. I don’t care if you hear Heaven’s call or Angel Radio or whatever the fuck goes on up there. You  _ are  _ one of us. But Cas, you’re also an angel. That’s what makes you Castiel. Me and Sam? We don’t care that you’re an angel. Or were. Hell, you could have been anything else and it wouldn’t have changed anything. You’re still Cas. You’re still family. And you just tore yourself apart, for what? Me? Fuck that. I never asked that of you and I never would have.” Dean lets him go, lets him have his space, because Cas looks so shocked, like he never in a million years would have expected this reaction. 

 

“What, did ya think I’d be happy about this, Cas? You think I enjoyed watching you fall out of the goddamn sky, huh? I fucking felt it Cas, when you fell. I thought you were gonna die, hell for a minute there I thought you actually did die.” Dean sneers at him, but there’s not rea venom, just poorly masked hurt. 

 

“You did?” Cas hadn’t known that could happen. 

 

“Yes, you ass! How could you do that to yourself?” The look Dean shoots him when Cas opens his mouth to answer makes him immediately snap it shut. Dean’s heard his excused. Besides, it’s one of those questions he’s not actually supposed to answer. He’s never really grasped the concept of rhetoric.

 

It’s silent for a while, and Cas is trying to give Dean a minute. 

 

After Dean pours himself another drink and downs half of it, Cas takes a hesitant step toward him. Dean’s eyes are set in a permanent glare, but he doesn’t put space between them when Cas takes another cautious step towards him. 

 

When he’s close enough, he reaches out to place a hand on Dean’s arm, right over his handprint where he’d pulled Dean out of hell. 

 

“I wasn’t going to live a life without you, Dean. Without Sam. You’re human. You’ll age, or you’ll be killed and I won’t be able to pull you back. And I wasn’t going to betray my family again, you and Sam. I can’t hurt you again. It’s only a matter of time with Heaven in my head, Dean. Sometimes I feel like all Heaven wants is to watch me hurt you. This was the only way to get out from under them. It’s the only way I could think of.”

 

Dean shakes his head. “You still have a lot to learn, Cas. The thing about me and Sam is we fuck up all the time. We screw each other over all the time. Most of the time we don’t mean to. Shit happens. Sam and I have made our share of mistakes. We’ve hurt each other. So have you. But the thing is, Sam and I don’t go literally tearing ourselves apart because of them. We watch out for each other, protect each other as best we can.

 

“Hell, when has one of us even actually managed to stay dead? That’s what family does, Cas, goes to the end of the line and further to save each other. And that’s what we’d do for you, if you went all angel crazy or whatever. You don’t think we would? You don’t think  _ I  _ would? That hurts, Cas. You can’t just decide to give up this major part of your existence because you’re afraid you’ll hurt us. Cause guess what, even if you’re human you’re still gonna find a way to hurt us sometimes. Like I said, shit just happens. You can’t avoid it. It just don’t work like that man.”

 

Dean trembles a little under his hand. He can barely feel it, but it’s there. Guilt washes through him in full. In trying not to hurt Dean, he’s hurt Dean. Typical. He’s going to be kicking himself for this one for a while. Still, he doesn’t necessary regret it. The angels are out of his head and he feels free for the first time in a while. It’s a nice break. 

 

He’s in his thoughts when he feels an arm go around his shoulders and pull him into a sturdy chest. Dean gives him a strong hug, one arm around him and the other still carefully holding his glass of dark liquor. He smells good, like woods in winter and some kind of whiskey. It doesn’t last long before Dean gives him a few firm pats as he pulls away.               

“This sucks, Cas. But I’m glad you’re not dead. We’re lucky it was me that found you. And on the bright side, you’ve given me something to do. How about we go find that Grace of yours, and see about getting you right, aright?” 


End file.
